RIP: A senior member was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife (a beautiful, charming lady) told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 3 seconds flat!" The next morning she found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral announcements are pending.
Trixie on sabbatical at the Woodchuck Ranch? With Dixie?...and the FM?....and the FM's Dog?? Oh boy, sounds like a new one of them "Reality" TV shows in the making. Stay tuned.
Perfect job for junior members: A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the road. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then the other man would come along behind him and fill in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind, filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here, with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us: me, Greg and Chris. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree and Chris, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Greg's sick, that doesn't mean that Chris and me can't work!" (The secret question is: who's the 3rd worker? AND WHY?)
Due to the absence of recent postings by the reknown Zumbo and his webmaster Trixie, I was asked to conduct an investigation as to the where-abouts of the aformentioned. After an intensive and exhausting search of the details leading up the silence of the postings, it has been discovered that Trixie is on a sabbatical to the Woodchuck Ranch, and Zumbo is laying low until the paternity tests come back. Regards, Shurlick Bones.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
After learning that her very elderly grandfather had passed away, the young lady went to visit her 95 year old grandmother and learn what had happened. "He had a heart attack last Sunday morning while we were having sex," she answered. Surprised to hear such a cause, the woman told her grandmother that two near-centenarians should have known what they risked by having sex at that age. "Oh, no," Granny replied. "We realized our imitations years ago. We learned that pacing ourselves carefully to the rhythm of the Sunday churchbells - in on the ding, out on the dong - was not only safe but quite pleasant." "And," Granny continued, wiping a tear from her eye, "Grandpa would still be alive today if that darn ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Good question... I know Zumbo was out of the country on a snow safari, but that doesn't explain his lack of recent posts. What's up? Where's Trixie?
For those of you who are not aware, North Dakota and southwestern Montana got hit with their first blizzard of the season a couple of weeks ago. This text is from county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota state after the storm. WEATHER BULLETIN Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event --- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 24" inches of snow and winds to 50 MPH that broke trees in half, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed all roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands. George Bush did not come.... FEMA staged nothing.... No one howled for the government... No one even uttered an expletive on TV... Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards..... No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.... No news anchors moved in. We just melted snow for water, sent out caravans to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars, fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Aladdin lamps and put on an extra layer of clothes. Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early...we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves. Everybody is fine.
How come Zumbo/Trixie don't post on here no more?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
From the Hawkes Bay Today (12/5/05): Saturday's other premier men's game also required a tie-breaker before Scarfe Builders Tamatea beat Fast Pitch 5-4. American Ric Thompson's seventh inning three-bagger was the batting highlight of the game. Tamatea scored three runs in the fourth inning and two in the tie-breaker while Fast Pitch scored one in the first, two in the fourth and one in the eighth. Giovani Matairangi scored the winning run for Fast Pitch in yesterday's final against Rotorua Marist.
"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken." --Unknown, presumed deceased
Sorry, but the update will be at least a day late... too much catchup at work... AND so much to write about... see you tomorrow... curtamous
Would like to have Ric's emails addres to try to keep in touch with him, I am only his mother. Hopefully he will see this and send me an eamil. cthomspon@htrnews.com Good luck Mom
"Hello Curtamous, how is your brother Rick in New Zealand?" Hilarious. I fell out of my chair.-FM
Tony... send me an email (Main Page/Contact ME) and I'll get you Ric's address... curtamous
Hello Again Curtamous Having prolems with ricks email could you please send it to me so I can write him. Thanks tony ricks next door friend in butte des morts
Hello Curtamous How is your brother Rick in New Zealand? This is his friend Tony, I live next to him? Thanks Tony
I'd be willing to help out the FM, but the VP is showing the true color of that stripe running down his back. However I think we both would be willing to hire ourselves out as "consultants." FM- supply the Miller, me and the veep can watch, advise and critique and we will all live happily ever after. - CES(?)
I'd be willing to help out the FM, but the VP is showing the true color of that stripe running down his back. However I think we both would be willing to hire ourselves out as "consultants." FM- supply the Miller, me and the veep can watch, advise and critique and we will all live happily ever after. - CES(?)
Flights have been booked, we will be leaving on Tues. Nov. 8th out of green bay at 10:30 am. good luck to all in the bbc. Look for updates weekly from New Zealand. Sec. Weights and Measures
Hmmm... I hate to speak for the CES, but I believe the answer could be summed up in a nice little abbreviation... NFW! (Although the refreshments DID make me consider it for a second...) - VP
Dear County-Employee Surveyor and Computer Geek: It appears to me as though you are in need of an impartial opinion (much like an arbitrator) to settle this dispute.I am in need of having a gypsum board ceiling installed in my garage before the cold winter winds embark upon us. Any chance you two have considered teaming up and hiring yourselves out? I could easily accomplish this myself, but as I don't get out much and spend most of my free time at church, am in need of some entertainment. I'd love to be able to sit in a chair in the corner drinking beer and observing, judging as to whose particular "method" is most effective and occasionally wiping up the spilled blood. I'll even put some Miller in the fridge. Please consider and let me know. Winter is fast approaching.-FM
Gauze? Medical tape? Car running and pointed towards the hospital? I think not! However, desired results WERE acheived, and I will soon have the extracted BB mounted for all to see as clear proof. Only two stitches where 5-6 were required also clearly shows this was no "girly boy" operation. As to your claims of patent infringement, not only has your patent LONG since expired, but my lack of preparation shows no previous knowledge of this technique or possible attempts at reverse engineering. Finally, I doubt your method outlines the nessesary medical knowledge required when extracting shrapnel embedded since covert operations in 'Nam in my early years. Yet, I see your potential interest in my newly patented "curtamous" method, so perhaps we could proceed with this meeting... but you're buying...
So you attempted the "Raisleger" method when hanging sheetrock. One does not carelessly grab a utility knife and attempt a dangerous and highly difficult procedure without being adequately prepared. Did you have gauze and medical tape on hand? Was your car running and pointed towards the hospital? If not, then you're a damn fool for attempting that before you were prepared. I need to know if the desired result of severed appendages was achieved, or were you a girly boy and merely "cut" your finger. Either way, as I patented and trademarked that technique, said patentee now demands the royalty payment the comes with it. My people will be contacting your people so I can receive the proper compensation. If you desire to cut through all that B.S., you can arrange a face to face sitdown meeting with me at a local establishment, and we can discuss your failures. Bring lots of cash as my fees are exorbitant!
FDA: But, has the Prez been by for an "inspection" yet? And, when's the BBC Housewarming Party?
I want to thank the VP, the Sausage Stuffer, and the Sec. Transportation for all their hard work moving my stuff(i.e. JUNK) this weekend. Special thanks to the Sec Trans for the use of his trailer, and for leveling the gravel at the end of my yard. I was able to get both vehicles in the garage Sunday night, so that was pretty good. Thanks again.
Holy crap, Jacks' right!!!
Curt, I thought I would give this a try for you. Exactly one month from today we will be in Deer Camp!! Jack
Hey, how do you like the new entries being placed at the top... I've always wanted to do that, but I had no idea how... still don't... just lucky I guess...
Well... I blame the FM, because, in a nutshell, its his fault... Its easy for him to talk so smart, as his better half does all his thinking for him... Concerning the Home-Depot drywall lifter thing, my frugality had nothing to do with forgoing that luxury... As a good senior member, I instantly recalled Lesson One in SENIOR MEMBERSHIP:101 (Taught of course by non other than The President himself... The FM must have missed that day...). "NEVER BUY OR RENT SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN BUILD YOURSELF EVEN IF ULTIMATELY IT WILL COST YOU FOUR TIMES AS MUCH IN MATERIALS AND TIME"!!! I built my own "rack", and it works OK, except next time I make one I'll use straight 2x4's... As far as the ""The Raisleger Method", I was aware of that particular technique, but had no idea how naturally it would come to me... and I'm always crabby... just ask that lady that lives with me... Your VP
Curtamous: Just curious...why do you blame the FM for all your problems? Did he TELL you to slice your finger as part of the installation plan? (By the way, the finger-slicing during drywall installation thing is commonly referred to as "The Raisleger Method.") I believe he also advised you to temporarily depart from your tightwad status and rent one of those drywall-lifter things from Home Depot. You'd be done by now and far less cranky. Oh, by the way, this is a test for your new and improved guestbook. HAve a nice day.