The
curtamous PAGE!!!
June
30, 2003 –
Happy
Monday everyone!!! I hope all of you had a good week. Things were very good here. Last week I was able to make it out on
the links with the Mrs' brothers.
Had a good time, and shot pretty well despite one hole that devoured 3
balls and left me bitten and bleeding...
had a great time. Gotta love
golf!
The
weekly update on the garage project brings good news in the "preparation"
department. With Zumbo's
assistance, I was able to get my storage shed moved to make room for
construction. The shed was already
up on skids, and Zumbo showed up with his trusty John Deere, we chained it up,
and away it went. Final placement
was done using the loader, and we're set.
The bank is cool with my request for funds, and the building permit
application is with the village...
concrete is next... rock on...
Last
week I heard from the LGBT President (our buddy Jack). Haven't heard from him for a while, but
I'm glad he's alive and well. He
sent a nice photo of Alaska's response to PETA, and I thought you'd like
it. It's in gallery 8 of the pics
page...
With the
FM in Canada this week, I didn't expect to get any email from him, but I did get
a quick message from him early in the week:
Only one
item of input...don't expect that the FM junior-junior will be accompanying me
to Bob's Buck Camp anytime in the near future. Hunting ability is not the issue.
He has a long ways to go in effectively and consistently demonstrating
disciplined adherence to the "North of '64" rule. I've turned it over to the Attorney
General to assist in shaping him up.
FYI, the FM will be out of commission for the next couple weeks. I am
departing for Ontario on Friday, which means "brain shutdown" will take place by
Wednesday morning and will likely not return to "normal" status until about
mid-July. This provides the perfect opportunity for our Junior Membership to
step up to the plate and begin providing regular and meaningful input to the
Curtamous web page.
Until we
meet again....Good Luck and Good Fishin', eh?
(Canadian)
Carl
Personally,
I think he's got the FM junior-junior all wrong. If you know the kid, you HAVE to realize
he's got more stuff going on than the FM could ever handle, so I think he's got
huge potential to be poster kid for the "North of 64" rule...
Shortly
before I got the FM's email, I received a "Coon" update from Zumbo. Now we all know Zumbo's a man of many
talents, including operation of heavy machinery. However, I never knew he had such a
flare for the written word. This is
good!
Enjoy...
Curtamous
- seems the village of Denmark has a coon problem. I was recently contracted to
rid a senior citizens backyard of the mangy varmints. Seems the client had
witnessed two of the masked marauders raiding said clients bird feeders on the
back deck of the adobe. A trap was
set and baited with a mixture of entrées known only to a select few. In a matter
of five days the two culprits were behind bars and in need of a new home. I was
instructed to get them out of town but didn’t want to take them too far out of
town because they might end up on the hunting preserve. I found a little farm
just on the edge of town where I had noticed woodchucks cavorting on the front
lawn on more than one occasion. I felt this would be a good home for the
critters as the owner was obviously a wildlife enthusiast. As I opened the trap
to let them out they both stopped to look at the church on the opposite side of
the street and then quickly ran to the barn on the quaint little ranch. Another
day, another good deed done.
Zumbo
Great,
isn't it! Well, as soon as I read
it, I realized that the FM would be in Canada and wouldn't see this week's
update for a bit, so I forwarded Zumbo's email to the FM for an advance
preview... since I had the feeling
the "little farm" Zumbo described was actually the FM's sheep ranch, I felt it
was only fair... well, I don't
think the FM took it too kindly.
Here's his response:
So much
for #@*%@?) Hero Worship! Zumbo is turning into that Marlon Brando character
from "Apocolypse Now."
Carl
doesn't get mad. Carl gets even.
I'm sure
Zumbo's shaking in his boots...
Last
week I made a request of our junior members to give me some input for the page
and let us know what they're up to this summer. Knowing the junior members like I do, I
didn't expect much, but low and behold, I did get a message from the
SEC-Weights/Measures:
At the
VP's request, I would like to enlighten the membership of my summer. A summer of
up's, down's, mass confusion and complete organization (?). With a summer as
busy as this, I have been able to find time to keep up with latest on Bob's Buck
Camp. The true high point to any week. I, just hours ago, closed on a new
permanent residence. A formal invite to the warming of the abode will be sent
out. Last week showed to be the highlight of the summer as far as softball goes.
The Denmark Merchants were able to finish 7th in their first ever world class
tournament. We beat the #28 team in the world, one out from beating the #13 team
in the world and played exceptionally well against the #3 team in the world. A
great backing by the community was enjoyed. It was hard to play under the
pressure of having the first lady and the future Prez at each one of the games.
We hope that we didn't disappoint. When not playing ball, I have the honor of
being on the Sec. Transportation's pit crew. We have collectively put him 4th
place in the standings, well within striking distance of winning a championship.
With all of that going, I have still been able to find time to visit with family
and keep a forever dedication to the one true leader in life, the all knowing
and omnipotent President. A Bob's Buck Camp night at the races proposal will be
coming soon.
Life's a
pitch
Sec.
Weights and Measures
Pretty
nice little update. Not up to the
FM's lofty standard, but who could reach that goal? Personally, this message
shows what I've often thought, that the SEC-Weights/Measures has a lot of
potential. But just as soon as
you're convinced of that, he goes and does something
stupid...
Speaking
of SEC-Weights/Measures, he and the SEC-Transportation have a little project
planned for the upcoming 4th weekend.
Seems the SEC-Transportation’s garage, the home of T-Bone Racing, needs a
new roof. So we'll be peeling old
shingles and replacing them this weekend.
Hopefully enough of SEC-Transportation’s groupies are around to do most
of the work.
I'm
hoping to get in some house painting this weekend as well. I've got one more side of my abode to
finish, along with quite a few odds and ends, and I hope to make a serious dent
in it this weekend. I'd like to
have it done shortly so I can focus the rest of my summer on my garage
project...
This 4th
of July weekend will also feature the annual corn fest sponsored by the
SEC-State's father (also my barber).
Every year the Barber puts on a corn feed with all the fixen's followed
by a dusk fireworks display. Always
a good time!
As you
know, the Sausage Stuffer was in Canada a little while back. His lovely wife was kind enough to send
me a link to a web page that one of his co-fisherman put together. Boy this guy needs a life... he puts together this web page with
pictures, lists, menus, the whole deal...
what a loser... doesn't he
have anything else to do? Anyway,
here's the link. Looks like a pretty awesome
place... I may have to consider
stowing away with these guys one of these years...
Any of
you guys get into maps? I've got a
couple on the pics page,
gallery 6, from my account on MAPCARD.
I just renewed for another year, and with that, I get 5 free map
downloads, so if anyone is interested in something, let me
know.
To buy
me some space on the web site, I'm pulling the "2002 Bob's Buck Camp Newsletter"
from the site. This will give me a
couple meg of space to work with until I bite the bullet and buy some space on a
real web host. If you want an
electronic copy, download it before next week...
Before I
finish up, Zumbo's eldest celebrated a birthday last week... Happy Birthday
Chuck!
Here's a
continuation of last week's "Kids Say the Darndest Things"... I think the last one could have been an
actual quote from our SEC-Weights/Measures at age
ten...
WHAT DO
MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates
are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even
boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
(Lynnette,
age 8 ... Isn't she a treasure)
On the
first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date.
(Martin,
age 10)
WHEN IS
IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When
they're rich.
(Pam,
age 7 ... Pam is so smart for her age)
The rule
goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids
with them. It's the right thing to do.
(Howard,
age 8)
IS IT
BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's
better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up
after them.
(Anita,
age 9 ... Bless you child)
HOW
WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
There
sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there?
(Kelvin,
age 8)
*** And
the #1 Favorite is ...
HOW
WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell
your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.
(Ricky,
age 10)
I think
that's all I have for this week, but before I sign off, a few words of wisdom
for our junior members:
"Learn
the rules so you know how to break them properly..."
-unknown
Now
that's a life lesson...
Take
care, and have a GREAT week!!!
As Red
would say, “Keep your stick on the ice!”
curtamous
June 23, 2003 –
Good
morning!!! Another beautiful day in
God's country. Well, its been a
busy week... I am knee deep in
refinancing and garage building.
This weekend I pruned my "considerable" hedge down and prepped my storage
shed for moving. I jacked it up and
put it on 4x4 skids. (Sec-Transportation was extremely helpful in making the
trip with me to procure the 12 foot 4x4's)
Hopefully, I can use someone's 4 wheeler or come-along to move it about
30 feet and out of the way for the building project. I "think" it will work, but you never
know.
Last Friday I met up with
the President to go get the Sausage Stuffer's camper. When he stopped to pick me up, he
inspected the storage shed and declared it good. We are considering moving it up to the
cabin for storage and to use as a small (and hopefully) temporary bunkhouse for
deer camp. The President figures we
can section it and move it up that way, but I'm still holding out hope that we
can get it up there in one piece.
We’re probably more likely to get this project completed than a an all
new bunk house, but we’ll see what the rest of the membership thinks…
We proceeded to the
Sausage Stuffer's residence and met he and his lovely wife. The President provided beverages and we
indulged while the Sausage Stuffer demonstrated the many features of his
23-year-old camper. Actually, its
in really good shape and the President was quite pleased. The funniest part was the Sausage
Stuffer had to call me on Saturday to make sure that it was us that came and got
the camper. It seems that he
had gotten off work early and already had consumed a few beers before we got
there, and by the time we left, he was pickled. I assured him that it was indeed the
President and I, and he was able to go back to his hangover in
peace...
As usual, I received
another excellent email from our FM last week. This man certainly has a knack for the
written word. I wonder where he got
that from... read
on:
Zumbo is so cool. He's
like the Clint Eastwood of eastern rural Denmark. He's my new hero. I think you
should rededicate the Woodchuck Page solely to him. See, I WAS on the right
track when I went woodchuck hunting with my Durango last summer! Thanks to
Zumbo, I feel so much better about myself. It just goes to show that a novice
like me would not realize that a Stratus is a much better Woodchuck-fightin'
weapon, as it is sleaker and lower to the ground...making it easier to zero in
on the prey. As luck would have it, my wife drives a Stratus! A question to post
on the "Woodchuck discussion board," however....I'm wondering if a 2000-model
Stratus will work as effectively as a 2002 model? I am in the midst of preparing
an offer to Zumbo to grace his presence at the Woodchuck Ranch for a guided
hunt, should my little excavation project fail me. (Why am I suddenly starting
to feel like Wile E. Coyote?)
The other hero in my life
is, naturally, our Prez. Went fishing with my daughter this weekend. There are
several great campfire stories that evolved from this little misadventure but
the really important message for our Junior Members is that some early
intervention and sage advice from the Prez saved me a great deal of hassle and
potential big fine in regard to my trailer lights. The only downer is that the
night crawlers the Prez graciously provided me with seemed to serve as more of a
"Fish Detractor." I also visited the Prez at his campsite on Saturday night,
partly to check up on Junior-Junior, partly to report on the results of the
fishing expedition and partly to drink some of the Prez's beer. It's amazing how
the Prez can appear to be sleeping in a chair next to the fire when he is, in
fact, in deep thought and plotting his next "caper." A versatile and amazing
human, that's for sure. Anyway, I
sleep much better at night now with not one, but TWO, heroes to emulate.
Glad to hear that the
"Bartender" messed up. Of course, knowing the "Bartender" as well as I do, he
will no doubt find a way to deflect all fault and blame. Maybe now the Junior
Member pack of dogs will refocus their rage and wrath from me to him! ( Maybe I
don't show up all the time, but at least I know Rule #1 - when to keep my mouth
shut) All in all, it's been a great week!
Any updates on "Bob's
Buck Camp Night at the Races?"
Regards,
Carl
Speckler
P.S.---Whenever the
construction weekends are scheduled, just let me know. You know I'll be there.
Well, except for the rest of June, most of July and August, part of September
and some of October (and, of course, Sundays are shot once the Packer season
starts) Other than that, I'm wide open!!!
The FM's witticism
certainly makes working on this page easier... His admiration for Zumbo, albeit late,
is certainly justified. However,
Zumbo's escapades should be footnoted with the standard "Don't do this at home"
warning. Zumbo is a consummate
professional, and while I can see the FM's desire to emulate him, any attempts
by him to duplicate Zumbo's Woodchuck endeavors, sounds like the making of the
next "Jackass" episode. The fact
that he even sees himself as the next Wile E Coyote should tell him
something...
While I wait in extreme
anticipation of his many tales of his fishing expedition, I am a bit concerned
about the FM’s "hero worship" phase. This is something I would expect of the
junior members, not one of the senior staff... still, considering those that he's
selected as his heroes, I can certainly
understand...
Bob's Buck Camp night at
the Races is still in the planning stage, but considering the schedule the FM
outlined in his "PS", I'm, guessing he'll be a no-show there
anyway...
Also on the home front,
the FM’s junior-junior slept over with my junior-junior last night. I tell you what, this kid is a chip off
the old block. I hope the FM
follows thru on his threat to attend deer camp this year with young master
Lancelle. This kid is a riot and
will fit right into that crowd. I
am a little nervous that when he turns "of age" he will be even worse than the
current junior members, but I'm sure the President will be able to handle him
with the midnight curfew.
I'm looking for input
again this week to ease my duties on the page, so I'd like the junior members to
take some time and let me know what they're doing this summer... THAT should be
educating...
The page is really
getting out there as well. Most
major search engines (Yahoo, Google, etc) return my homepage on a search of
"curtamous", so that makes me pretty happy...
I can't remember the
exact name of the show, but it was something like "Kids Say the Darnedest
Things". Well, here's a few... I especially like the first
one:
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO
MARRY?
You got to find somebody
who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming.
(Alan, age
10)
No person really decides
before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck
with.
(Kristin, age
10)
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO
GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best
age because you've known the person FOREVER by
then.
(Camille, age
10)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL
IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess,
based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.
(Derrick, age
8)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR
MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more
kids.
(Lori, age
8)
I think that's all I have
for this week, but before I sign off, a few words of wisdom for our junior
members:
"You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely." -unknown
Now that sounds like an
official motto if I ever heard one...
Take
care, and have a GREAT week!!!
As Red
would say, “Keep your stick on the ice!”
curtamous
June 16, 2003 –
Howdy! What a great weekend! The weather was absolutely great. Yesterday we had a graduation party for
the latest alumnus of DHS, the SEC-Transportation and my eldest. A nice get together, but I was a little
surprised at how little beer was consumed (7 cases), despite the best efforts of
the President and his staff. That's
right, you heard me... THE
President attended. Also a large
portion of his staff, and despite the celebration, a fair amount of "unofficial"
business was discussed. More on
that later...
First, some GREAT
news... Last week while the FDA
Chair and his lovely wife were finishing Ma/Pa's deck staining project (Which
looks Ma'velous by the way...) they mentioned that our esteemed Sturgeon General
was quickly moving up the "waiting" list for Med-School. Since prime hunting land for Bob's Buck
Camp depends on our future doc, I figured it would be fun to setup a little
countdown on the site... The
Sturgeon General was at the Grad party (weeding out the bad brain cells) and I
approached him on his status. Well,
it turns out the little guy is ALREADY in!!!! That's right!!! Young Master Anthony was accepted at
Milwaukee’s Medical School, and it a few short years, his earnings will be
invested in the north woods... In all seriousness, congratulations
Tony!
(Note: We did check with one of the local
bankers, and he would investigate a loan based on "future earnings" to expedite
the prime hunting land purchase, but I'm guessing we'll have to wait until after
his residency...)
Getting back to last
week's news, I received an email from Zumbo last week. He provided directions to anyone
interested in checking out the SEC-Weights/Measures' new domicile on the
internet, along with a few other topics:
CURT - THE SITE TO FIND
RICS HOUSE IS WWW.VALLEYBYOWNER.COM
GO TO LISTINGS, CLICK ON
OSHKOSH $74,000 - $99,000 RANGE AND THEN FIND 5847 MAIN ST, BUTTE DES MORTS we
OH BY THE WAY - AM I
ALLOWED TO TAKE A GUESS ABOUT WHAT IS STRANGE ABOUT THE TURKEY PICTURE? MY GUESS
WOULD BE THAT YOU CANT TELL WHICH ONE IN THE PICTURE IS THE TURKEY.
ON ANOTHER FRONT YOU CAN
LET OMAR KNOW THAT THE WOODCHUCK COUNT IS AT TWO FOR THIS YEAR SO FAR, THE FIRST
ONE GOT A TASTE OF LEAD POISONING
FROM A REMINGTON 22-250 AND THE SECOND WAS BAGGED WITH THE RIGHT FRONT TIRE OF A
2002 DODGE STRATUS. I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT THE SECOND VARMINT WAS A BIT MORE OF A
CHALLENGE, AS THE 100 YARD RIDE THROUGH THE DITCH REMINDED ME OF THE OLD DAYS
WHEN I HUNG OUT WITH YOUR ESTEEMED AND HONORABLE PREZ ROBERT. ASK HIM IF HE HAS
SMASHED ANY BEER BOTTLES ON MAILBOXES LATELY. OH YES... THE GOOD OLD DAYS
ZUMBO
Zumbo was at the party
yesterday too, and I mentioned that I find it quite amazing that he was the only
to take a guess about "what's strange about the turkey picture". Equally amazing is that since he and I
are the only two that know the answer, how could he get the answer wrong...
well, at least its not the answer was looking for… Zumbo's skill in the area of Woodchuck
decimation doesn't surprise me at all, and I think it would be wise for the FM
to contract him before he starts finding Woodchuck pelts in his mailbox... as far as the "smashed beer bottles on
mailbox" topic goes, The President only quipped that he's very glad to still
have his arm attached...
Speaking of the FM, as always I was in contact with
him again last week. He dropped me
a message concerning my building project (which was approved by the way) and
claimed his position "As a lieutenant in the Danish Mafia" probably held sway in
the decision. Actually, considering
Denmark, its not unlikely at all...
I also ran into him at a local establishment later in the week. He was dealing with his litter of kids
and was actually wearing a ball uniform.
(Probably trying to pick up chicks...) I didn't have much time to chat, but it
was good to see him...
Before I get into
"unofficial" business, I wanted to brief everyone on a tender subject from a
month of so ago... seems that our
esteemed bartender at Fish Camp 2003 broke the golden rule of "What happens
north of 64 stays north of 64!"
Seems our bartender let a few stories out during some pillow talk with
his beautiful bride. But as his
beautiful bride is full blooded "denor", she was unable to keep the stories to
herself and word got around... Let
this be a lesson and a word of warning, especially to our junior members, that
there are spies everywhere, and there are few we can truly trust... and don't let a pretty face fool
you... we'll deal with our
bartender's indiscretion at a later date...
Well, our President held
court yesterday and spent considerable time educating all that would
listen. Seems he had quite a
vacation last week. Fishing wasn't
too good, and the water pump on his truck was even worse... and to top that off, the brakes on the
truck aren't very good anymore either...
Other than that, and the fact that despite dismantling the well pump had
no affect, he had a pretty good time.
No one was surprised...
The President wants to
venture out to the Sausage Stuffer's abode this week to inspect his camper for
possible confiscation. That should
be an amusing trip, and we plan on further discussing camp expansion plans at
that time... It sounds like the
President is still open to expansion, but he is very concerned about getting
workers scheduled to complete the project... I have to admit, he is correct that this
will be difficult and our biggest hurdle.
What I think we'll do, based on the President’s recommendation, is pick 4
weekends that work out best for him, and then see how many can commit to each
weekend. We’ll pick the two or
three that have the highest attendance and go from there and see how far we can
get... Hopefully we have some luck
and can get the project moving...
Before I wrap up, this is
a slightly different version of a joke I posted a while back, but it still
cracks me up...
Curt was on his deathbed
and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, Curt," his
wife said softly.
"Six months after I die,"
he said, "I want you to marry that nasty neighbor down the street."
"But I thought you hated
him," she said.
...With his last breath
Curt said, "I do!"
I think that's all I have
for this week, but before I sign off, a few words of wisdom for our junior
members:
"Health nuts are going to
feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." -
unknown
Take
care, and have a GREAT week!!!
As Red
would say, “Keep your stick on the ice!”
curtamous
June 9, 2003 –
Hello everyone! A very busy week on the home front
here... Last week Thursday the
eldest offspring and the Sec-Transportation graduated from DHS. Nice ceremony, not too long, and the
weather held out for DHS's first outdoor ceremony. All in all it was a pretty standard
deal. The highlight was probably a
young lady, 21 years old, who at the age of 16 had dropped out and had a couple
kids. With the help of some friends
and quite a few members of the faculty, she returned to school and got her
diploma. Toward the end of her
short speech, she got quite emotional, and I doubt there was a dry eye in the
entire gathering. She received a
standing ovation. Very
moving... it does show you that
there are some very good things going on in our world... anyway, congratulations to young masters
Nelson and Thompson!
Back to the world of Bob,
it doesn't sound like he made any real progress on the "WELL". He installed a new switch but it still
isn't operating correctly. So now
he's not sure if its a problem with
the whole system or what...
personally, this gives me a scary sense of foreboding... this can't be good... The President is currently at the cabin
with our Attorney General spending the week cleaning out all the fish
populations of the local lakes, so hopefully we'll have an update next week with
some good news...
I received multiple
emails from the FM again this week...
the first was a great little story about monkeys. I'll save that one for a later date, but
its an oldie but goody... next he
sent me a couple of emails concerning my proposed building project. He was trying to be helpful I'm sure,
but as soon as I asked him for some detail, he clammed up... probably for the best. Next he sent me a rather offensive
"list" that I won't publish due to its content, but I'd be more than happy to
forward it on to anyone if you're interested. Finally, Ms. LaRue sent me an email with
the subject of "Strange but True".
Seems the craziness isn't limited to the FM's household, but extends to
his relation as well... here's the
email:
Mr.
Curtamous:
It appears that the FM is
currently on some sort of subversive, undercover, covert mission, as I have
nothing interesting to report about his doings or whereabouts. His laptop
Etch-a-Sketch must be out of commission, as I have not heard from him in
days. I thought you may be
interested in an update concerning one of the FM's relatives, however, that falls into the "Strange But True"
category.
The saga involves the
FM's brother-in-law (through marriage)
"GW" (short for "Great White Hunter") Anyone who knows GW knows that he
is a dedicated and conscientious, as well as a very successful, outdoorsman with
a track record that falls just slightly shy of the Great Zumbo himself. When
he's not partaking in a hunting or fishing experience, GW makes a living by
driving a concrete truck, at which he is also very good at. To set the stage for
the "Strange But True" crescendo of this update, please allow me to explain that
GW had obtained his turkey permit for the last week of the season this year.
Despite being presented with opportunities to "score" on both Saturday and
Sunday of the hunt, GW happened to (uncharacteristically) miss on long range shots at his prey on
consecutive days, thus bringing to a close a several year track record of turkey
hunt success. Unfazed by this experienced, being the true outdoorsman that he
is, GW shrugged it off and marked it up to "that's
hunting."
Well, just this past
Tuesday, GW was driving his fully-loaded concrete truck in the midst of heavy
traffic down Highway 54 when, out of nowhere, a flying turkey came, "BAM!" right
through the windshield of his truck. The windshield shattered. GW, by a stroke
of luck, was wearing wrap-around sunglasses, which prevented shattered glass
from hitting him in the eyes-his ears and hair were covered with glass. To top
it off, the turkey was still alive and flopping around in the cab of the truck.
As anyone familiar with wild turkeys knows, an injured turkey enclosed in tight
quarters within a moving vehicle is not exactly passive. Anyone familiar with
the concrete trade also knows that the cab of a concrete truck is not exactly
spacious. The quick-thinking GW remained calm, grasped the turkey by the neck
while rolling down his window with his other hand and maneuvering the 15 tons of
concrete through traffic with his knees(all of this while being covered with
charred and shattered glass, mind you,) and threw the bird out the window. (THIS
IS ALL TRUE, I SWEAR.) While physically and mentally shaken, GW dutifully
continued on to the job site-broken windshield, claw-scratched arms and all- and
delivered his load on time, as any good concrete man would do.
Most sensible people,
upon hearing of this near-death, heroic saga, would just shake their heads and
exclaim, "Wow!" (as I'm sure you are doing right now) Not surprisingly, however,
our esteemed FM couldn't just leave it at that. The first thing he had to do
upon hearing of this story was to phone GW and exclaim, " Hey, I hear you
finally got your turkey, when's the free meal?" Followed by, " Do you think your
boss would let you take home the truck some night, and you could come over to my
place and do some woodchuck hunting?" Needless to say, GW was not amused. One
thing the dumb sh*t FM forgot about
before making his insensitive comments is that, in just a couple short weeks, he
will be sharing a boat with GW in the remote Ontario wilderness and GW typically
does most of the boat driving. GW has taken a sudden interest in renting and
rewatching the movie classic "Deliverance." Payback? Stay
tuned.
The lesson to be learned
from this saga by all junior camp members, particularly the SEC Transportation,
is to LOOK OUT FOR FLYING WILD TURKEYS. You never know when they may appear.
Reports have it that there is a predominant flock in the area surrounding the
141 Speedway. The other lesson to learn here is that it's probably never a good
idea to intentionally piss off your brother in law/fishing/drinking
buddy.
Speaking of SEC
Transportation... Congrats and Good Luck to him, as well as the remainder of the
SEC Transportation's "posse" AND the eldest Nelson offspring on their graduation
from DHS. The FM has stated emphatically in the past that, all in all, this
graduating class represents a
pretty neat bunch of young adults. Hope you're ready for the real world, you
poor little bas***ds.
That's all I have for you
now.
Best
regards,
Dixie
LaRue
I don't even have a
comment on that one, but if the FM suddenly feels an anchor rope around his neck
and "GW" yelling "HEAVE HO", he better grab onto the side of the boat AWEFULLY
tight...
The FDA Chairman, his
lovely wife, and our own SEC-Da'Fence got the primer and first coat of stain on
the Ma/Pa's deck. Wonderful
job! Really and truly, it looks
beautiful! (Thankfully, I didn't
have to help too much!) Later in
the week the FDA Chair sent me a submission. Since he doesn't do that too often, I
figured I better publish it right off...
A shepherd was herding
his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If
I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car,
whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite
navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet
with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess
you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into
the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a
consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how
did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my
business........."Now give me back my dog."
Since the FDA Chair, in
his normal life, spent many years working as a consultant, this was very
fitting. He was highly successful
in that profession, as he definitely has a knack for "...showing up even though
nobody called him; getting paid for an answer everyone already knew, to a
question no one asked; and not don't know crap about the
business."
On to local news, the
SEC-Weights/Measures is in the process of purchasing a domicile. Seems the offer has been taken and now
its just a matter of getting the paperwork done and the check written. The house is out on a web site
somewhere, but I don't have the link handy. Nice little ranch style home with no
basement. "No basement" you
ask? Well, at first I thought this
may be a limitation, but after considerable thought, I realized that with the
"heft" of some of his "companions", he won't have to worry about one of them
ending up in the basement if he has any weak
floorboards...
I added a few new PICS to the
web site this week. I developed
some film and scanned in a picture of the crew that attended Fish
Camp 2003, a couple nice views of Nelligan
Lake, as well as a picture of "Zumbo's"
2003 Turkey... now you'll have
to take a close look at "Zumbo's" 2003 Turkey, and see if you can find out
anything strange or suspicious...
The first one to figure it out will win an all expenses paid trip to
Bob's Outhouse.
With the addition of the
pics, I realized that my quota on the website is almost at 100%... This means I have to make a decision on
what I'm going to do with this thing.
I can either clean off some old stuff, or bite the bullet an actually
"pay" a web hosting site. If I do
that, I can register it with a cool name, but I'm note sure I actually want to
spend any money on this... we'll
see...
One final note: I believe it’s the SEC-Transportation’s
birthday today… Happy 19th
Mr. Greg!!!!
I think that's all I have
for this week, but before I sign off, a few words of wisdom for our junior
members:
Beer is proof that God
loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Take
care, and have a GREAT week!!!
As Red
would say, “Keep your stick on the ice!”
curtamous
June 2, 2003 –
Happy Monday!!! Hope everyone is doing well! Last week was a red-letter week, and I
have a lot to update everyone on...
In my previous update, I was concerned about lack of contact from the FM
and the fact that I hadn't seen the President for some time. Well, both issues were
resolved...
First off, last Tuesday
the FM's dear Personal Executive Assistant, Dixie LaRue, was kind enough to take
time out of her extremely busy schedule to drop me a quick note. Here it
is:
Dearest Mr. V.P:
The intent of this
correspondence is to update you on the current whereabouts of the esteemed
Foreign Minister. First off, to dispel a few of the recent rumors...
1) He is not dead.
2) Mrs. FM did not lock
him in the basement (at least not as of this morning)
3) He has not run off
with the FM junior-junior-junior's therapist
4) He did not join up
with the Mormon church while visiting Salt Lake and change his name to "Bring-em
Young!"
5) His ever-expanding
degenerate Woodchuck population has not (as of yet) taken him hostage.
The primary reason that
his contributions/updates to the curtamous website have recently fallen off has
largely to do with the whirlwind schedule he has been forced to maintain
throughout the month of May. After spending nearly a week in Salt Lake City
(spending most of his time in relentless and often exasperating pursuits of
alcohol) he spent the better part of the next week at work actually working and
trying to catch up. (Catch up on what, I'm not exactly sure) The following week
was spent on vacation at home. He chose this week for vacation largely because
he had obtained his Woodchuck Permit for that week. Other reasons involved the
planting of the cash crops and various repairs and upkeep duties around the
Ranch. (All scheduled with the intent of being able to clear the docket in order
to spend more quality fishing time over the upcoming summer months) I'm proud to
report that the crops got in, about 2/3 of the project list was completed and
Anhueser-Busch stock took a sudden rise. The only downfall is that, despite
conscious efforts to clear shooting lanes, create a blind and dutifully rising
early each morning to post and root out his prey, at week's end there were no
sightings to report and no varmints hanging on the meat pole. The FM is very
disappointed in this in that he had hoped to rebound from his failure to provide
updates for several weeks by submitting a photo of Bin Laden hanging on the meat
pole. As always however, the FM remains undaunted and has devised a "New Plan!!"
Upon consultation with the President, the FM is about to undertake what some
would consider to be an unfair advantage over his prey. That's right, HE'S GOING
TO BORROW ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S GUNS!!! In my mind, that's taking all the sport
out of it but, on the other hand, I can understand the FM's frustration. He has
also made plans to rent an excavator for a weekend with the intent of destroying
the Woodchuck Condominium once and for all. We are dealing with a very sick man
here, Mr. V.P.
The FM remains feverishly
busy this week in preparing for a business meeting scheduled for Wednesday with
none other than the Sausage Stuffer himself. No, you did not read the preceding
sentence incorrectly-those two are actually meeting to discuss BUSINESS! What a
hoot, eh?
In closing, the FM asked
that I forward the following info. to you:
1) UTAH SUCKS-Don't ever
go there. It's not as bad as Manhattan but it still sucks. Nice mountains.
Strange state. He does however, have a couple of interesting experiences to
share from his visit there that he will gladly expand upon at Deer Camp or the
construction project, whichever comes first.
2) He extends his warmest
and most sincere congratulations on your Turkey success, and wonders if Zumbo
does Woodchuck hunts? Speaking of Zumbo, the FM is wondering if "Z" has taught
his daughter not to tape her boyfriend's picture over the Oil Warning LIght on
her latest vehicle?
3) He would like
reiterate that the President's future son-in-law is indeed a first rate
guy(despite his choice of friends)-just a little naive and intimidated. Wouldn't
you be too, if you were marrying the President's daughter? Give him some slack.
4) Big congrats to the
Sturgeon, as well as to the FDA Chair and his bride. That's quite an
accomplishment. The FM is wondering if Scentless is yet qualified to write
prescriptions for Viagra?
5) The President's
sand-hauling, trailer-trashing experience is cause for an entire update all on
it's own. You almost have to hear it straight from the Prez's mouth to fully
appreciate it, however.
That's it for now. I
cannot guarantee when the FM will be able to return to providing his own
updates. Stay tuned (and listen out your back door for the sound of a .22
popping in the early morning hours-Dead Woodchuck Walking, baby!)
As always, my best to
you.
With warmest regards,
Dixie
LaRue
Ms. LaRue covers a lot
ground here for the beloved FM. I'm
glad to hear he's doing well, (ie, not dead) and that she's keeping a very close
eye on him. I'm impressed with his
"New Plan" to combat his expanding WoodChuck population, and while I understand
his optimism, it still sounds as if the FM is going to be the one handling the
gun. Me thinks the Woodchucks are
quite safe... If he can contract
the President, or even Zumbo to come out and assist, THEN he'll have a worthy
plan... Other than that, a
heartfelt "Thanks" to Dixie for the great
update!!!
Dixie's email mentions
our President's "sand-hauling, trailer-trashing experience"... well, I was fortune enough to see the
President TWICE last week. The
first evening I stopped by to touch base and see what's new in the President's
world. I got an update on the
"sand-hauling, trailer-trashing experience", which involves the
SEC-Exterior/Interior's (or is it SEC-Interior/Exterior? I can never keep that straight...) new
accommodations. Seems the
SEC-Exterior/Interior had some settling next to his new home, and instead of
listening to the President, he was talked into ordering 10 YARDS OF SAND!!! Now, 10 YARDS OF SAND is no small
amount, so after the SEC-EXTERIOR/INTERIOR took a few wheel barrows of sand off
the pile, he was still left with A REALLY BIG pile of sand... enter, stage right, our President, to
the rescue. Unfortunately, the
trailer our President borrowed could not handle the load of sand it was given,
and there was an issue with a flat tire.
Luckily, our SEC-Transportation was able to help with that. Obviously, I can't do this story
justice, so you'll just have to wait until you next see the President to hear
the whole saga...
The President also
updated me on the "WELL" issue.
Seems we have water, just not much of it... The well also had a broken switch, so he
was unable to just let it run and see if it clears itself out. He was at the cabin this weekend, and
planned on replacing the switch and letting 'er rip. Hopefully it clears itself out... if it doesn’t, we probably have enough
water for Camp, but its a lot of expense for 5 gallons at a time... If it doesn’t clear out, the President
can have the Well guy come in and either go a bit up or a bit deeper, but that
will require that the shed is removed...
That sounds like a 12x24 experience... (24 cans in a case, 12 oz.
each…)
I stopped the night after
as I was driving the Nelson matriarch about town. The Attorney General flagged me down,
and we had a small discussion. The
youngest member of my pack stayed to play some basketball with the Attorney
General so I had to return to pick him up.
Well, since the President was working on his boat lights, I HAD to stay
and help... (and have a few
beers!) As most of you know,
there's NOTHING like helping the President on a Project... and to top it off, we ACTUALLY got the
lights to work. Pretty damn
amazing. To end our discussions, we
actually planned on another excursion the next night to go pick up the Sausage
Stuffers old camper. The President
is pretty excited about the possibilities of this camper! However, with the Sausage Stuffer in
Canada fishing, plans feel through when his lovely wife could not find the
required equipment, (Like the crank...) so those plans will have to wait, but
what a great week, huh?
I also made some updates
to the page again last week. The
home page has a little better looking menu box now, which had been bugging me
for awhile. I also got a new sign
from Zumbo for your “compost” pile.
Seems to cover everything pretty thoroughly, so check it out here... I also added a map on the
PICS page of
the area around the Presidents cabin...
pretty neat stuff...
This week should be
pretty busy... Over the weekend, I
helped the FDA Chairman work on Ma/Pa's deck, and this week we'll be priming and
staining. Also, the eldest member
of the pack and our esteemed SEC-Transportation will graduating from DHS this
Thursday... At least, they're
telling me they will be...
Here's a few one-liners
for your enjoyment... I like the
second one the best.
-There's too much blood
in my alcohol system.
-I got a gun for my wife,
best trade I've ever made.
-Beauty is in the eye of
the beer holder.
-How can I be overdrawn,
I still have checks!
-Missing your cat? Try
looking under my tires.
-Sometimes I wake up
grumpy; other times I let her sleep
-Ask me about microwaving
cats for fun and profit.
-Lottery: A tax on people
who are bad at math.
-Diplomacy is the art of
saying 'Nice kittie!'... till you can find a rock.
-Sex on television can't
hurt you... unless you fall off.
I think that's all I have
for this week, but before I sign off, a few words of wisdom for our junior
members:
"Always remember that
you're unique, just like everybody
else."—Anonymous
Take
care, and have a GREAT week!!!
