The
curtamous PAGE!!!
My notes… February 2003
February 24, 2003
I’m sure there’s a bunch of you that woke up early this morning and have been hitting the refresh button on your web browser in eager anticipation of today’s update… Today is the day we will reveal the President’s new Plan…
To set the stage, its an early evening last week, and the phone rings… Now those of you that know the president well have to picture him with one of his shit eating grins, beaming from ear to ear, with a 300 watt light bulb going off above his head. The President is clearly on a roll, and you know what that usually means… so as you read this, picture The President in the same mood as when he showed up on Friday of Deer Camp last year… remember when he founds those lovely barrels…
So The President proceeds to explain to me that he has a new plan for financing our expansion project. Seems he was extremely busy one night, but happen happened to catch a few minutes of the show “Funniest Home Videos” while simultaneously reading a magazine article on hammocks. (The ones you sleep in, not the ones off a pig that you eat…) It occurs to The President, based on the incredibly lame videos that win $10,000 on the show, that we usually have funnier stuff happen on the way to Deer Camp, not to mention during Deer Camp. Then The President connects this thought to the article he’s reading about hammocks and considers how funny it would be if we installed hammocks in the new bunkhouse and had the junior members try to sleep in them… Well, The President, the genius that he is, puts “2” and “2” together, gets “4”, and figures all we have to do is put hammocks in the new bunk house, mount a wide view security camera connected to the VCR in the cabin, and begin taping as soon as the junior members head to bed, which is typically around 4am… Considering the liberal libations they usually imbibe, and the fact that in the past junior members have been know to, among other things, stab themselves in the gums, get lost in the woods at 9am a quarter mile from camp, redecorate their sleeping bags at 2am, or brag about their “30 Pak” purchases, he figures 30 minutes of taping them trying to get into those hammocks should lock up the weekly $10,000 prize.
Well, by this time in the story, The President almost has me in tears, and he’s proud let me tell you… he’s DAMN proud of this idea… so, with the $10,000 we pretty much have in the bank, he figures we can pretty much pay for the bunk house, camera, and once the check is cashed, new bunk beds for the bunk house so the junior members don’t have to play Gilligan and the Skipper every year…
Jesus, I can barely type cause I’m still laughing my ass off… so The President wants to know what I think of this whole idea, and because I’m laughing so hard, he figures that I’m pretty much in agreement that the $10,000 prize is all wrapped up… so we got that going for us this year as well…
On another front, the “Woodchuck Wars” continue… the FM, aka Carl Speckler, seems to be rather upset about the way I’ve been addressing his rather impotent “Woodchuck problem”, and has sent me various vicious emails questioning my outdoor abilities (non-existent), my manhood (hibernating), and even my web site (lame). Carl even went so far as to send me a “Woodchuck” postcard… Considering the amount of material the FM (Carl) used, he undoubtedly spent a few hundreds hours on the web, so we’ll have to contact Dixie again and see if she can smash his etch-a-sketch…
Considering how much the web site crack hurt, I’m probably going to dedicate a section to the FM’s terrible “Woodchuck Problem” so that he won’t have to try to come up with his own web site… look for that in the near future…
And that’s all the time I have today…
To all you “wascally” Woodchucks, have a great week!
curtamous
February 20, 2003
Man, I’ve got more material this week than I know
what to do with… so here’s another
midweek update… first off, I’ve
updated my site to incorporate my latest notes onto the main page. So hopefully it looks OK… not that I care what you
think…
Anyway, I’m still looking forward to publishing the
President’s new PLAN, but in the mean time, it seems that our FM, aka Carl
Speckler, also has developed a new plan himself… if I remember right, one of Carl’s
better quotes from the movie was "Licensed to kill gophers by the government of
the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you
must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint, and a varmint will
never quit, ever. They're like the Viet Cong, Varmint Cong.” Well, seems the FM (aka Carl Speckler)
took exception to my references to him in Tuesday’s update, and he sent me the
following email:
So, based on your webpage notes, you DON'T have what
it takes. For a dude that claims to be such an avid sportsman, you disappoint
me. Based on your reports, a 33% bunny hunter doesn't qualify for
acceptance to the Woodchuck Hunting Reserve, anyway. Never mind, I have a
new plan. I will begin to obey the law and will [SECTION EDITED OUT TO AVOID
INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE] (for the most part) and have purchased a box trap.
Guess where I plan on releasing the varmints? Maybe then you'll realize the
definition of "woodchuck problem!"
Carl
Well, I don’t know what got into the FM, but I think
Dixie needs to tighten the straps on his jacket a little more… But in an effort to humor him, I’d like
to address his concerns. As far as
being an “avid” sportsman, I think the FM might have that confused with being
rabid… and either way, I don’t
think either has anything to do with being a successful outdoorsman… if my 33% success rate doesn’t impress
him, clearly he hasn’t been to deer camp for MUCH too long a time…
Time to address “THE PLAN”! Seems to me, Carl Speckler uttered the
exact same phrase in the movie right before acquiring the C4 explosive… (Personally, I think he read about the
Presidents plan, and this is just a copycat gimmick) At least Carl had the guts to try to
kill the varmints, instead of trying use a girly live box trap. And despite the fact that woodchucks are
rather slow stupid beasts, I doubt they will take an invitation to walk right
into a metal cage, especially when they have a nice fresh garden to
plunder. I think that we may want
to take the Presidents idea (to be published next week) and video tape this
fiasco… it could be made into a documentary called “Outsmarted by the Crafty
Woodchuck!”
But, just incase the water on the premise really is
the cause of the FM’s lowered IQ, and that it has the same affect on the
woodchucks and they actually do go into the “Carl Speckler Girly Live Box Trap
Condo”, below is a nice recipe for the FM and his family… oh wait, this would require actually
killing the woodchuck… not going to
happen…
curtamous
Carl
Speckler’s Country-Style Groundhog
1
groundhog
1/2
c. flour
1/4
tsp. salt
1/4
tsp. pepper
1/4
tsp. soda
1/4
c. cooking oil
1/2
tsp. sugar
NOTE:Clean
and skin as soon as possible. Remove all sent glands. Cut off head, feet and
tail. Cure in cool place by suspending from hook approximately 4 days. When
ready to cook, lard according to recipe.
Dress groundhog as for rabbit, removing the small sacs in the back and under the forearm. Soak groundhog overnight in salted water to remove wild flavor. Combine flour, salt, pepper and sada; rub into groundhog pieces. Brown grounhog in hot oil in skillet; sprinkle with sugar. Reduce heat; add 1/2 cup water. Cover; simmer for about 30 minutes or until tender. Remove cover; cook for 10 minutes longer.
February 18, 2003
I didn’t plan on another update this week, but I’ve got things to report… since it feels like Monday anyway, I might as well…
Presidents Day was pretty good… I didn’t get as much done as I hoped, but that’s how I always am. I have big plans and ideas, and only a quarter of them come to fruition. I did go bunny hunting, but I got out in the woods a bit late. I had to let the Pepto Bismal do its work as I didn’t didn’t feel like squating next to every other tree… Zumbo had to work, so I went out alone. I saw four, shot at three, and took one home. Not bad for a lone bunny hunter, Elmer Fudd or not… I didn’t get any wood made because I was pretty well wiped out from humping it through all the snow. Good enough for me.
I got an email from that no good, meeting skipping FM of ours, and he’s looking for someone to come over and hunt varmints… and like Carl in Caddy Shack said, “The only good varmint poontang is DEAD varmint poontang!” Now I can see the problem with getting rid of gophers on a golf course, but the FM has a woodchuck problem. Has ANYONE ever heard of a woodchuck problem? Woodchucks are pretty slow stupid beast, so I guess that would explain their ability to confound the FM. Maybe if he spent a little more time at Bored Meetings, he’d be more enlightened…
The President called last night, and he’s got a plan… damn near had tears in my eyes. Now there’s no way I can explain it and give it justice, but next week I will try… don’t miss it.
I’m trying to further improve the site as well… I’ve look into adding frames, but I don’t think I have enough material to justify it, so I’ll probably just leave it as straight test. I do plan on moving the weekly notes section to the main page, so that you’ll see the latest update right there. If you have any other suggestions, let me know… I like having something to ignore…
curtamous
Don't
worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in
Australia. ----- Charles Schultz
February 14, 2003
The update is early for a change… Monday we have the day off for Presidents Day, so its doubtful I’ll care enough to actually put together a posting and actually upload it… so its Friday afternoon, and what the heck…
Monday’s plans depend on the weather… bad weather, and I’m either working on my gun cabinet project (soon to be going on its third year!) or possibly seeing the LOTR flick… good weather and I’m rabbit hunting and making wood..
Which
brings me to my next topic… Last
month I had MLK Day off too… The
weather was nice (but damn cold) so I went bunny hunting with my
brother-in-law… Not the “Sausage
Stuffen” brother-in-law or the “Ass-Wipe” brother-in-law (aka Colin Phallups) or
the late great Mr. Rick, but my farmin’, car deal’en, hunter/fisherman
brother-in-law… This guy reminds me
of Zumbo of Outdoor Life… you know
he’s a good hunter because he connects almost every year, but the SOB has got
some prime real-estate to hunt on, and that’s gotta have something to do with it
too… (Unlike Jack and his buddy Ass
who hunt on a game preserve, but connect barely every other year, unless you
count does, and have the nuts to complain about the “wind”…) This is the same guy who set me up as a
first time turkey hunter last spring and I connected on the second day… Those of you who know me realize it
would take a pretty good guide just to put me in position to SEE a turkey, much
less shoot one, so either the guy is pretty good or there’s so freaken many
turkeys on his land someone’s gonna get trampled some day… Bottom line is Zumbo’s a good shit just
like the udder brudder-in-laws even if they all were dumb enough to marry into
the family…
Anyway,
on MLK Day 2003 it was nice so I headed over to Zumbo’s place and we wander out
and after a couple of miles we’re completely skunked, but on the way back, we
head thru his sand pit to check if the coyotes have been chewing on a road kill
deer carcass and he kicks out two nice coneys… they head for a nearby line fence, so he
makes a nice push to me and I get both…
nice ones… so to make a long
story short, I posted the pics... keep in
mind this is the same guy who’s responsible for those turkey pics I’m so damn
proud of…
Unlike
the President who is against undeniable proof that something happened, Zumbo’s
big into taking pictures, so I told him maybe we should scan some of stuff he’s
got and post it… I think it would
be pretty impressive… we’ll
see…
On
another topic, saw the FM last night and the SOB already has an excuse for
missing Fish Camp… something about
fishing the Great Salt Lake… dumb
ass… told him as long as his check
for the expansion project is big enough we’ll let it
slide…
Saw the
President last night too, but he didn’t talk to me… didn’t really even acknowledge me… maybe with us being in a code orange
terrorist level, he figures its not such a good idea for the two of us to be out
in public together…
So Happy
Presidents Day!!! Hopefully
everyone had a better Valentine’s day than I did… probably not much to
ask…
Here’s
one leftover from the football season… an oldy but
goody…
Later…
curtamous
PS. On Monday’s post I mistakenly posted the
phrase “lick in the ass” instead of “kick in the ass”… cracked me up… but I corrected
it..
A
Packers fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
joke about Vikings fans?"
The guy
next to him replies, "Let me tell you before you tell that joke you should know
something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Vikings
fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Vikings fan,
and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Vikings fan
too.
Now, do
you still wanna tell that joke?"
The
Packers fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three
times."
February 11, 2003
Well,
once again a day late and a dollar short.
I was in Chicago two days last week, and I got a bit behind, so I
actually had work to do instead of updating the site. If Jack and the FM don’t like it, they
can go bite themselves… Had a great
anniversary this weekend… can’t
wait for Valentine’s Day and another kick in the
crack…
I do
have work to do, so I better git… I
figured, with it being so damn cold and the flu bug out and about, this would be
very appropriate…
curtamous
CHICKEN
SOUP FOR THE DRINKER
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the
beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the
workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
By Jack
Schitt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel
sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as
good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank
Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An
intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools."
Ernest
Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I
read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny
Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24
hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think
not."
Stephen
Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When
we drink, we get drunk.
When we
get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian
O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention
in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza."
Dave
Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER:
HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in
Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some
it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
Dave
Howell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER - Helping White Guys Dance Since 1869
February 5, 2003
A
quote for our junior members…
"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you." -Paul Newman.
February 3, 2003
Well,
football’s done… another lousy
ProBowl makes you kinda glad…
thankfully there’s enough prep BB to keep me busy until March Madness and
spring…
Got an
email from Jack, who complimented the content of the site because I have posted
some of the drivel he sends me…
well, if I made a living off of strange inter-relationships with bovines
like he does, I’d probably have nothing better to do than find crap on the net
just like him… so Jack, off…
Got my
turkey permit for 5/7-5/11, so that’s cool… Jack and his buddy Ass will be up North
the last weekend of April on similar pursuits, but hopefully Jack’s buddy Ass
won’t mess up the side of Jack’s truck this year on the way to the hunt… seems last year a stop at Rumors had Ass
feeling a bit queasy…
Got the
below off another site (as usual) but I thought it was pretty cool. Like it says, its kinda along the lines
of our parent’s walking 15 miles back and forth to school, uphill both ways, in
16 feet of snow when its 40 below zero, but updated for post baby boomers. Its sad but true that the self beloved
baby boomers would never make it thru a depression like the 1930’s, but its even
worse that their kids are even more messed up…
curtamous
P.S. Thoughts and prayers to the shuttle crew
and their families…
KIDS
THESE DAYS
When I
was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious lectures about how
hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles
to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizards carrying
their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they
maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the
local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep
their family from starving to death!
And I
remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was
going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how
easy they've got it! But....
Now
that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around
and notice the youth of today. You've got it so frickin'
easy!
I mean,
compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it
but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean,
when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know something, we
had to go to the goddamned library and look it up
ourselves!
And
there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter--with a pen!--and
then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the frickin'
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And
there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the
goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all
day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the begining and
screw it all up!
You
want to hear about hardship?
You
couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a
copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jerkoff to the lingere
section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
We
didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody
else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes
either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your
boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You
just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we
didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D
graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had
to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was
just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting
harder and faster until you died!
Just
like LIFE!
When
you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the
seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were
screwed!
And
sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and
there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to
find out what was on!
And
there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the frick I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled
little bastards!
That's
exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You're
spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
Last Updated: Friday, May 20, 2005
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