The curtamous page
Subject: beer troubleshooting
(In
case you're having issues with your beer, we've provided some helpful hints for
your convenience. No need to thank us, just buy us a beer.)
SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:
Improper bladder control.
ACTION:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:
Glass empty.
ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:
Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:
You have fallen forward.
ACTION:
See above.
SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred.
FAULT:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Floor moving.
FAULT:
You are being carried out.
ACTION:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:
Bar has closed.
ACTION:
Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM:
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:
Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:
You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:
Punch him.
SYMPTOM:
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:
You have been in a fight.
ACTION:
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:
See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:
The beer is too weak.
ACTION:
Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:
Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar
Last Updated: Wednesday, April 30, 2008
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